I had been dreading the conversation for days. Weeks.Months actually.
Someone I know was stuck in a rut. They were clinging to a certain sin (or their sin was clinging to them--I'm not always sure which way it goes). They didn't want to give it up. They didn't even want to categorize it as "sin." And they certainly didn't want me to put it in that category for them. So I'd been dutifully looking the other way. Pretending not to notice. Pretending it really wasn't there.
I thought about saying something earlier. But really, who wants to be "that guy"? You know the one. The Christian who is "good" in the worst sense of the word (as Mark Twain said). The preacher whacking people over the head with is ten pound King James Version, whipping out the bullhorn to declare God's judgement and wrath on those who have violated his commandments. After all, we are supposed to be people who model Christ's love. People who show the world his grace.
But that, it seems to me, is the rub. We're supposed to show the world grace. That's a kingdom value. But does showing the world grace mean that we can no longer talk to the world (or to each other) about sin? Does it mean that the right thing for me to do with my friend would've been to look the other way?
That's a popular idea. People often say things like: "More grace, less judgment". What they mean is that yes, I should keep my mouth shut. I should accept my friends no matter what. I should show grace, not judgement.
And of course, there is something right and admirable about the impulse. But I have to admit, I think there is something slightly off base about it.
The problem is that when we put grace and judgment at odds with one another, we've confused grace and tolerance. Like grace, tolerance accepts everybody--regardless of what they've done or left undone. But unlike grace, tolerance refuses to deal with sin head on. Tolerance deals with sin by renaming it--by calling it something other than sin. Tolerance looks the other way, always minds it's own business, lets every person do as s/he sees fit. Tolerance makes no judgements about right or wrong.
It's an attractive approach. But it's not grace.
In order to show grace (and not mere tolerance) you have to make a judgment that something is wrong. You have to acknowledge that a person (maybe even you!) needs to be forgiven, needs mercy, needs unmerited love and acceptance. That's the trouble with grace. When you talk about grace, you also have to talk about sin.
Here's what Neil Plantinga says on the subject:
"For the Christian Church ... to ignore, euphemize, or otherwise mute the lethal reality of the sin is to cut the nerve of the gospel. For the sober truth is that without full disclosure on sin, the gospel of grace becomes impertinent, unnecessary, and finally uninteresting." (Plantinga, Not the Way It's Supposed to Be, p. 199)
So what does that have to do with my friend?
Well, after a lot of hand wringing, pacing around my office, and--yes--prayer, I decided I had to have that difficult conversation. I decided I needed to tell him that--from what I understood of God's word and will for his life--what he was doing was sin. I had to make a judgment. But I also I had to do it in a way that was not judgmental. I had to do it in a way that was full of the fragrance of Christ. A way that showed him unconditional love, mercy, acceptance of Jesus Christ despite what he was doing wrong.
I wish it was easy--like tolerance. But it wasn't. Sadly, there's no handbook for these things. No neat and tidy procedure that ensures we'll get it right. Like most people, I had to work things out within the messy context of relationship. And like most people, I stumbled and fumbled. Like most people, I didn't get it all right. But I tried. By the grace of God, I tried.
